(U66) Blood


“Hello, is that Mr Darknell?”


“This is Jen, from the Laundry of Legends. I’m calling in regard to the tablecloth you gave us for stain removal.”

Yes? Is everything alright?

“Well, there is a very, very small issue sir. It appears there’s a red substance we’re unable to remove, underneath the Bolognese you had us clean away.”


“It appears resistant to even our strongest stain removers. Do you happen to know what it is?”

It, uh, it rings a bell…quite…


Is there any chance of laundry-client confidentiality?

“We’re a laundry, sir, not a doctor’s office.”

Oh. Well, in that case, no, I don’t know what it is.”

“Our spectral analysers believe it’s demon blood.”

Then why did you ask if I knew what it was?”

“Just curious to know why it’s there, sir.”

You do know who you’ve called, don’t you?”

“Mr Lucifer Darknell, Supreme and Most Fiery Overlord of Hell’s Great Burning Plains and All Adjacent Domains?”

“…yes. That’d be me.

“Right. So, can you tell us what kind of demon bled on your tablecloth?”

It’s…it was part of a tricky summoning ritual my friends and I were performing.

“Any particular occasion?”

It was…um…meant as a future Halloween prank for a friend of mine up top. This demon usually takes a while to summon, so the thought was he’d appear to my friend in six months’ time.

“But that didn’t happen?”

No, no it did not.

“What occurred instead, Mr Darknell?”

It…well, it appeared a bit earlier than Halloween. As in, six months earlier. On my tablecloth.

“What kind of demon was it?”

A Berserker wraith.

“They’re known for their mindless ferocity, aren’t they?”


“Ok. So how did the wraith’s blood end up on your tablecloth?”

My friend Ares-

“The God of War?”

That’s the one. Well, he got a bit…axey.


He decided his axe would solve the problem.



“I’m guessing it didn’t?”

No, the wraith ended up escaping my dining hall.”

            “Begging you pardon, Mr Darknell, but how does a Berserker wraith escape the dining hall of Hell’s Great Burning Plains and All Adjacent Domains?”

It jumps.


Off the tablecloth, and into the nether-realm portal my other friend Chronos had made to fix the problem.

“Chronos? The Greek God of Time?”

The very same.

“So you had a God of War who tried to kill the wraith with an axe-”


“-whilst a God of Time made a portal to the nether-realm to banish it-”

That’s right.

“-and I’m guessing neither of these two precautions were effective?”

The wraith escaped into the mortal plain, if that’s what you’re…hold on, what does any of this have to do with the stain on my tablecloth?

“Well, in instances such as these, the Laundry needs to determine whether a stain is apparent through either customer incompetence or unavoidable circumstances. It ends up shaping how much you’ll need to pay in arrears for our stain removal service.”

You’re implying that I, Lord Lucifer, Supreme and Most Fiery Overlord of Hell’s Great Burning Plains and All Adjacent Domains, am incompetent?”

“Not at all, Mr Darknell.”


“I’m implying your friends are incompetent, sir.”

Now wait just a-”

            “Your amended bill will be delivered by carrier raven to your Inferno Palace shortly. The Laundry of Legends thanks you for your business.”

Hold on, I want to speak to your-



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s