F**k Footballers

Yeah, you read the title right. Fuck ’em.

Oh, sorry, should’ve mentioned there’ll be some profanity in this post.

You know what’s gotten me really riled in the last few weeks? Sportspeople. They’re eating up more headlines than a zombie munching a man made of newspaper. You know which sportspeople piss me off more than any other?

FOOTBALLERS.

Now, granted, they’re not as much in the media right this minute as Ricky Ponting’s farewell (and incidentally, who cares if he’s writing an autobiography or getting a movie deal or traveling to Mars?) but they still annoy the bajeesus out of me. The reason for this is quite simple.

They are lunatics. Certifiable, stupid, childish lunatics.

Cast your minds back into the ancient pre-history that is 2010. Gold Coast Titans player Nate Miles ends up defecating in a hotel corridor, since apparently his Neanderthal brain is too dense to grasp the purpose of a toilet.

Go even further back, with the troubles faced by former North Melbourne player Wayne Carey starting in 1996 – he was involved in domestic abuse, cocaine usage and alcoholism that cost valuable time and money from the Australian taxpayer, not least of all in court time and degrading our national image further into one of wifebeating and physical violence solving disputes.

On the fiscal side, look at the Adelaide Crows and their whole Kurt Tippett/Steven Trigg affair. Breaching salary caps, secret backroom deals, bans and fines – wait, didn’t the Bulldogs do nearly the exact same thing back in the early 2000s? Do people not learn from stupid, immense blunders like that?

And seriously, how many more times do we need to hear about some drunk-off-his-ass footballer getting rowdy in a pub or a bar and busting someone up? I thought they were athletes, no ex-cons.

It’s true, I’m a bit biased since I am not a sporting aficionado, and I’ve never held any great interest in athletic pursuits (apart from keeping an idle eye on the Boston Red Sox). But seriously, aren’t people over footballers on both sides of the fence?

Fans – aren’t you sick of your favourite teams getting involved in disputes, fights, altercations or otherwise, instead of actually playing the fucking game?

Non-fans – wouldn’t you rather see something more interesting and pertinent in your online news feeds than another sports or football-related misdemeanour being pushed as the most relevant news item of the day?

Football players – can you not act like juveniles for one goddamn year? Please?

I rank footballers as second only to celebrities and Duchess Kate’s pregnancy in the list of shit I don’t need to hear about on a regular basis. I’ve just felt like this year there’ve been a whole heap of football-related stories touted as a headline whenever I look up SMH or news.com.au. Seriously, can we not just have 365 days with no over-capping, no fighting, no sex abuse, no bodily function mishaps, no rape allegations and no main stories about how a player who can barely string two words together is now joining a near-defunct team in a futile effort to invigorate the players in a last-ditch effort to not become has-been geriatrics at the age of eighty-five?

This is probably all a bit overblown, and God knows I could rail on other social, political and sporting groups until the cows come home (for instance, if you get me started on a debate about the Republicans, you might regret it). But right now, my ire is aimed squarely at footballers. Fuck ’em. Fuck the game. Fuck the scandals. Fuck the news headlines.

I. Don’t. Give. A-

Wait, what’s that? Peak traffic in Sydney is getting slower?

F**k traffic.

You know what’s gotten me really riled in the last few weeks? Traffic people.

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