Started the day off on a bad note when, after I finally woke from my 178-year coma, Nihlus started getting prima donna on us about the humans wanting more galactic control again. Anderson and I both secretly think he’s worried we’re gonna muscle him out when Earth takes control of the Council. I could totally beat him in an arm wrestle.
Arrived at Eden Prime just after lunch to find the colony being ravaged by what looked like a gigantic hand. Wouldn’t want to use that as a sex aid. Landed just before afternoon tea with Kaidan and Redshirt 192, the latter of whom died almost immediately after touching the ground. Reminds me to talk to the budget committee regarding use of second-rate shields for subordinates, though I suppose the galactic financial crisis affects us all.
Later met up with a young Gunnery Chief with a hideous birth defect that makes her face look like a pumpkin. Was going to ask if she could be my jack-o-lantern this year, but too busy shooting geth. Wait a sec, geth? Weren’t they, like, dead or something? I dunno. I’ve been too busy being in a coma from reading Twilight.
After a while we found Nihlus, dead. Guess he couldn’t get along with anybody. We shot some geth, who looked more like sentient garden hoses with flashlights stuck on the end, and found ourselves standing before a bit stick-thing. Kaidan said it was some kind of beacon, so when Little Miss Jack-o-lantern started getting too close to it I threw her aside before she could break it. I mean, what if the beacon could call Pizza Hut? The Normandy’s been out of supply for a while now, and we’re not at Earth anytime soon.
Unfortunately its power lines must’ve been faulty, because it electrocuted me. I saw some odd images in my head – my neural implant probably went on the fritz and accessed 4chan by mistake – and woke up in Doc Chakwas’ infirmary. Apparently my head downloaded something from the beacon. AVG will probably take care of it.
We ended up back at the Citadel to explain to the Council what happened on Eden Prime. My head hurt like I’d just downed a bottle of krogan absinthe, but I was able to sit through the Council meeting without needing sunglasses.
One of their Spectres, some dude named Saren, is apparently responsible for the shenanigans on EP. Looks kinda like an iguana had a baby with a centrifuge. He seems keen to avoid political crap, and reckons the 4chan virus I downloaded doesn’t prove anything about his duplicity. He sounded pretty defensive. Maybe he’s been surfing 4chan too.
The Council seemed pretty eager to get rid of us – maybe we look like freeloaders – and dismissed Captain Anderson’s claims of treason as silly and stupid. This might be an odd thing to notice but that turian councillor keeps giving me air quotes whenever he mentions something to do with me, as in ‘Ah yes, the “vision” you received from the “beacon” on “Eden Prime”.’ If he does it one more time I’ll make air quotes out of his head flaps.
On our way out we found out about some other turian named Garrus, who has evidence of Saren’s duplicity. I vaguely remember seeing him on the way in, but my head still felt like a monkey playing with light switches. We went off to find him and ended up in a Mexican standoff with Space Yakuza who were shaking down a poor old doctor for information. Deciding to take swift action for Garrus’ sake, my team and I moved in quickly and defused the situation by shooting the doctor. For some reason no-one seemed particularly happy about that.
Garrus reluctantly decided to tag along if we could find some quarian hanging around the lower parts of Zakera Ward. I kinda phased out through most of that, though I do remember some guy called Fist pissing his pants when we drew weapons on him. After we found the quarian and rescued her from giant-head pirates we brought her before the top Council brass, finding out what she knew. With her testimony and Garrus’ stuff that he knew, we were home and hosed.
Except then the Council decided to pull a dick move extraordinaire, and sent us off to find the bastard. They gave me a “promotion” to Spectre before ol’ Cap’n Anderson stepped down as CO of the Normandy. He gave the ship to me as a present.
Fuck I hate birthdays.
Started our heroic voyage by setting out to some dig site planet in the ass end of nowhere. Had a bit of a problem when Joker accidentally scraped the Normandy’s exhausts when pulling out of the Citadel, so now it looks like an alligator’s tried to eat it. I’d give him mop duty if it wouldn’t break his fibulas.
Apparently we’re supposed to find some asari doctor – Lee-something – and tell her that her mom’s involed with Saren. Having met this guy firsthand, I can’t fathom why anyone in the civilised galaxy would consider sleeping with him. Unless they’ve got some kind of auto-erotica fixation. Oh well, different strokes.
After a lengthy descent into some creepy-ass underground thing we found the good doctor, trapped in some kind of giant sheet of bubble wrap. She said something about triggering a defence mechanism left by old aliens, but I didn’t pay much attention because dear God in heaven she is hot. It’s like if a Vindicator Rifle had sex with a Carnifex Pistol and then grew a pair of boobs. Seriously, Kim Kardashian could’ve painted herself blue and still not be close to how smokin’ this chick is. The mission brief did say she’s over a hundred years old, but that just means she’s got experience.
Sometimes I wonder if I should legally change my name to Kirk. Kirk Shepard – would that not be badass?
Ran into some more garden hoses people, smoked ’em good. Yeah. Taste that Avenger rifle, you flashlight bitches.
After we removed the bubble wrap with some handily-functional ancient controls we took the hot doctor up an elevator where some bounty hunter dudes were waiting. They went down faster than an elcor with one leg missing.
Back on the Normandy Dr Liara Lingeriemodel said she was a bit pissed that her mother was involved in all these Saren-related shenanigans, and promised to help us find her and any info she might have. All I could do was fantasize about her and the gunnery chief making a Shepard sandwich (with a side-order of pumpkin) with me later that evening.
Went to a colony world called Feros. The natives went feral. There was a giant vagina plant. We killed them all.
I don’t remember much after that; some green Asari chick (I thought they were all blue? Maybe she’s inbred?) did something to my head and now all I can think about is carrots. I mean, damn. Carrots are sexy, right? All I could do afterwards was fantasize making myself a Shepard sandwich with some carrots later.
Awww yeah. Carrots.
“Time to hit the snow!” says Kaidan “Smugbitch” Alenko. He’ll be the first to die.
We landed on Noveria this morning and were treated to a face full of rifle when we docked. The local female Eurojapanese security forces seemed concerned we might cause trouble here. Personally, I think they just felt inadequate next to Liara T’Hotstuff and Gunnery Chief Sexy Pumpkin Williams.
It turns out Liara’s mum is at the top of some laboratory mountain with a bunch of horny bodyguards (one of the administrators here mentioned not many of them had seen a…mature asari before. Squick). We made it to the top of the mountain – after a trench run in the Normandy’s jeep that made Luke Skywalker’s little gig look like something out of Galaga – and found that Liara’s dear old lady was trying to recreate the extinct rachni race.
They are ugly. Like if a Vindicator and a Carnifex had a baby that then became a heroin addict. Brrr.
Liara seemed torn between helping us and killing her mother for a moment, but after her mum revealed that she’d fed Liara’s childhood teddy bear to the rachni queen she was strangely quick to come to our side. Seems she may have some unresolved mommy issues. I hate it when they do that.
We killed the mother and talked to the rachni queen. She mind raped an asari corpse to talk to us, which would’ve been bad enough on its own if it weren’t for the creepy singy-songy voice she used, then asked us somewhat politely if we’d let her go.
“Bitch, please,” I said, “no-one gets past Commander Shepard.”
So, yeah, she ended up feeding the snow leopards outside. Liara seemed pretty broken up about it. I’ll give her a massage later.
“Kids, have I ever told you the story of how I met your mother?”
“Well, she was trapped in a cave and our first real date was going to a mountain to kill her mother. The end.”
“…that’s a lame story, dad.”
So now we’re finally ready to go after Saren. About bloody time. Seriously. I’m starting to get sick of this crew, and Joker’s constant guilt-tripping over his hollow bones disease is making me want to see how easily he can wisecrack his way out of a geth skirmish.
We landed on Virmire, looking eerily like New Jersey, and met up with some salarian commandos run by a guy whose name I forget, so we’ll call him Captain Kickass. He said Saren had a base in some mountain facility thing – what is it with these people and mountains? Are they dwarves or something? – and he’s apparently developed a cure for the krogan genophage, a disease that afflicts the big dinosaur people we live with, like Wrex.
Wait, who’s Wrex? I must’ve forgotten about him. I’m high as a kite right now.
Anyway, Oedipus Wrex is a bit pissy that we’re planning to kill the dude making his cure, so we killed him instead. I ain’t got time for crotchety dinosaur people. He wasn’t a main character anyway. It’s not like he’ll be missed.
We made it to Saren’s facility and busted up his shit, but not before we encountered some AI called “Sovereign”. He told us – in one of the sexiest voices I’ve ever heard – that our race is coming to an end, and the Reapers are coming to kick our asses. Hell, if their voices are that tasty I mightn’t mind being killed by ’em all. Might ask Liara if she can mimic it for me tonight. 😉
We decided we’re gonna kick Sovereign’s ass instead, and on the way out we came across Saren the Slippery himself. Somewhere in his travels he’d adopted an eyepatch, and to be honest it kinda makes him look a bit more badass. I think I’ll need to requisition an eyepatch back on the Normandy.
Captain Long Kirk Shepard. Got a ring to it.
After a brief hair-pulling scuffle Saren buggered off, and for some reason a bomb was about to go off somewhere. I dunno, that bit wasn’t really clear. All I clearly remember is that Kaidan volunteered to stop the bomb and I didn’t say no. I mean, that guy’s got a smoker’s voice and just keeps bitching about his headaches. He’s bringing crew morale down, so I figure why not kill two birds with one stone?
Surprisingly, everyone else was kinda broken up about it when the bomb exploded and took out him, the facility and most of the planet’s tropical continent. I was just kinda broken up that I didn’t record the thing. Could’ve sold it to Michael Bay for a tidy profit.
Oh well. Where’s that eyepatch?
I think I’m over Liara now. All she wants to do is play in caves. Caves. They’re fucking boring, and you can’t have sex against a mossy temple wall without contracting fifteen venereal diseases in this day and age.
We were on some lost planet called Ilos, which was apparently the gateway towards wherever Saren’s heading. We came across Virgil, an old AI dude, who told us that Saren is going to – PLOT TWIST! – use a mass relay here to transport to the Citadel, because it will in some way activate a gateway that will bring all the Reapers to our galaxy.
After that we took the jeep to the relay and jumped through. We crashed against a wall, which turned the jeep into a write-off (the insurance people are not going to be happy), and started making our way to Saren’s location. All the while Sovereign’s out there knocking on the door and blowing dozens of ships to pieces.
Makes Jehovah’s Witnesses look like puppy dogs.
The next bit’s kinda fuzzy, coz I got vertigo when we started scaling the gravitationally-challenged parts of the Citadel and Garrus took it upon himself to sling me over his arm like a bear with a fresh deer. He carried me all the way to the Council chambers, where Saren was preparing to unleash Reaper hell upon the universe. If he’d sounded any eviler he’d’ve needed either an epic beard or a Sinestro moustache to pull it off.
As he was elegantly soliloquying I put a bullet in his brain. With a pistol. At range. Because I’m a boss like that, and this entire Reaper bullshit is making me depressed and sexually frustrated.
Apparently killing him meant the allied fleets could kick Sovereign’s ass for realsies, and all was well afterwards. Cap’n Anderson got a promotion, I got to keep the Normandy, and I now had all the time in the world to make that Shepard sandwich with Liara, Sexy Pumpkin and some carrots.
Or, at least, I would’ve, if it weren’t for that absurdly-muscled cockblocker who drew both of them in after the final battle. Some dick named James Vega. If the Reapers ever do invade, he can die first.
Right after the turian councilor; he’s making those air quotes again.
Sometimes I wish there were jobs out there besides being an Alliance punching bag. Maybe those Cerberus guys are hiring.