Syfy have cancelled Eureka.

Please give me a moment while I put on my angry music playlist and get ready to dispense bile like a caustic fire hydrant.

*five minutes later*

Syfy, I used to love you. Back when I first discovered the internet and the advent of video streaming I eagerly watched the one-day-delay transmission of your awesome Sci-fi Friday. The cocktail of SG-1, Atlantis and Battlestar Galactica was a weekend delight I anticipated every time the school bell rang Friday afternoon. Bounding out of bed like a kid at Christmas to check out the most kickass shows on a station I thought was like me – outcast, with niche appeal and a strong sense of identity, not afraid to show who they were and what they were into.
The years passed.

SG-1 got the boot. Fair enough, I thought. 10 years is a very good amount of time for a series, and the last few seasons were a little subpar. Atlantis getting kicked shortly afterwards was also a bit understandable. I mean, there’s only so far you can take the Star Trek Voyager/Lost in Space route of space exploration and trying to get home, so I didn’t think the worst. Even when you pushed back BSG’s airtime by up to thirteen friggin’ months, which I understand was equal parts network and executive producer responsibility, I still stood by you as the channel I knew I’d watch religiously were I a resident of the US of A.

Moving the channel’s label to Australian TV was the cherry on top. Granted, we didn’t get thing as soon as you Yankees did, but the fact that you’d transplanted yourself to our lovely little island like a mitosis plasm of happy fun joy time gave me hope that one day I could experience the same awesome shows you guys did without grainy Youtube quality framerates.

Then, you adopted wrestling.

Afterwards, you changed your name.

The tagline “Imagine Greater” being used as an extremely flimsy justification for the new Syfy digs and the inclusion of grown men in tight clothes fake-fighting each other, which is usually reserved for disgusting mainstream pulpy bullshit channels inhabited almost exclusively by rednecks and inbreds, should’ve been the first warning sign. The new Sci-fi shows slowed to a thin trickle, and apart from little gems like SGU and Warehouse 13 we were left with little but table scraps as the main titles were swept aside in favour of fun-retardants like Ghost Hunters and Marcel’s Quantum Kitchen. The two gigantic smelly testicles of wrestling and reality television began to settle over your channel like a pair of domineering tennants who eventually move from renting your garage to kicking you out of your own home and making you the poor, penniless bastards desperately asking for a place to live.

Then things went from bad to worse. You threw SGU and Caprica into absolutely fucking retarded slots during the most competitive seasons of mainstream television, pitting your original masterpieces against big-hitters like House and Dancing with the Stars. Given that you’re a cable channel, which is meant as an alternative to free-to-air rather than direct competition, did this not seem like a bit of a stupid move? How can you possibly expect to rake in more than a million or so viewers on nights when the good doctor Hugh Laurie pulls double-figure millions on a near-regular basis? Were you really surprised when they tanked in those timeslots?

No, I guess not. Because you put them there to die on purpose.

Caprica met a swift demise, having its final episodes canned so badly that fucking Canada had to show them first. What happened, did Ronald D Moor call you out on your bullshit scheduling so badly that you decided to throw Caprica to the wolves out of spite?

After that little aside, Stargate Universe found a similar end on a similar night. If the fan outcry for a show that, admittedly, pulled lacklustre viewership by the end of its run didn’t show you how much of a bad move that is, what do you think the fallout will be when the larger regular fanbase of Eureka comes calling?

Eureka was an excellent show. The current episodes have done nothing but showcase the incredible writing and acting talents that the ensemble has to offer, and the quasi-reboot at the start of last year’s seasonal chunk is, without hyperbole, one of the best and most revitalizing moves I’ve ever seen in any form of fictional media. It was masterfully executed, and set the stage for some truly awesome stories that are still continuing to this day. And last I checked, wasn’t Eureka your highest rated show for Monday nights? Especially given that it’s not Fall premiere season yet, which means you’ve got little in the way of mainstream television to compete with, which means your ratings go up?

Does any of this make any sense?

No, probably not. Because you, Syfy Channel, are a MASSIVE. FUCKING. ASSHOLE.

I don’t give a shit what crap Mark Stern says to try and mollify the masses. I don’t care about the justifications the PR department doles out about how they want to move in a different direction. I don’t want to hear anything you could possibly say to me anymore, because you’ve sold out in the most major way a cable channel possibly can. You caved into public tastes, and lost your nuance appeal.

I was thinking of maybe giving Alphas a look when it hits Aussie shores, and some of your TV movies – particularly Red Faction – seemed quite awesome. But you know what? I’m done. I’m fed up with your bullshit. I haven’t felt this disappointed with a television studio since NBC cancelled Heroes without a proper ending. I remember feeling nothing but respect for your channel, even in the days when everyone I knew had nothing but scorn and acidic vomit for you. Now I see you’re nothing but a massive fucking sellout, who’s more interesting in catering to public taste (which is what the majority of the rest of television is already doing) than putting up stuff that no other channel would touch for fear of being “geeky”, “nerdy” or whatever other epithet you wish to apply.

Fuck you, Syfy. Once Eureka ends, I won’t be touching your channel’s produce with even the most lengthy and electrically-charged of bargepoles. This may seem like an overreaction for a TV show, but seriously, enough’s enough. I’ve had enough of you.

I hope House cuts you open with the Fox scalpel of television murder.


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